Navigating Holiday Traditions: Crafting a Meaningful Celebration as a Growing Family
Reflecting on the Holidays Individually and as Partners
Even as adults, we may still be in the process of sorting through what the holiday season means for us and what we want it to be like.
For some of us, this time is extremely joyful. It’s filled with nostalgia and brings up memories of special moments with our family. The smells, the food, and the traditions were and are filled with warmth and smiles.
For others – for example children of early divorce like me, or those disconnected from their parents or siblings – it’s more complicated and sometimes quite painful. Holidays may have been non-existent in our household, or filled with arguments, scarcity, and countless other challenges.
To add a layer of complexity, how we feel about the holidays, and how we’ve translated that into our current rituals and traditions, may blend smoothly with our partner, or we may be quite at odds. We may disagree about where to be, how much to spend, how intensely to decorate, or whether the f*&^ing elf on the shelf is more fun than it is morally dubious.
There is a wide spectrum of positive and negative feelings, celebrations, and conflicts over this time. Wherever you’re feeling and whatever your present experience, we can assure you that you are not alone.
The Evolution of the Family Concept
When we have children, we go through a rite of passage in our conception of family. For most of us, when we think about or say the word “family” in the pre-children days, we primarily mean family of origin. Then, after those babies flip our world upside down, when we say or think “family,” our new nuclear family that we are growing with our partner takes center stage.
These types of transitions, both in the concrete differences and in how we think of ourselves, often come with challenges, but they also present tremendous opportunities for growth. Whether you are just starting this transition from partners to parents, or whether you’ve been in it for a while, it’s never too early or too late to connect over and design how you want your family to operate.
Sometimes we feel like we don’t have time to reflect or process to the degree we need to - this unfortunately happens a lot with birth experiences - and then we’re just in it and things are rolling along. When it happens this way, we don’t have the opportunity to get into each other’s worlds and collaborate. So it’s extremely important with transitions and rites of passage that we make them conscious.
In this season, we can decide as a team what we want the holidays to be like for us and our kids.
An Exercise to Give You an Opportunity to Connect
You can start by setting aside some conscious time to monologue share with each other, meaning you set a timer and one person talks stream of consciousness and the other practices active listening, where you give your full attention to your partner without fixing, debating, interrupting, or even praising. Here are some prompts:
When you think about the holidays and as we start to get into this season, what comes to mind and how do you feel about it?
What were the holidays like for you as a kid? What did you love about it? What was hard? What do you want to bring forward for our family and what do you want to leave behind?
What do you enjoy about how we’ve done things in our relationship so far? What’s not working for you? If it were up to you, is there anything you’d do differently?
Having this conversation, in itself, even without making any adjustments can feel extremely relieving and make some of the holiday tension you may be feeling dissipate. Sometimes we don’t realize that the issue really isn’t that we need to make new choices, but that we don’t feel like we’re on a team.
Making Collaborative Choices
Sometimes things need to change. We should try to make choices to meet as many of both of our needs as we can. The point is that you get to decide: What do you want to create for the holidays for your family?
Perhaps that’s something like alternating whose family of origin’s house you visit, or sometimes you have a quiet holiday with only your new nuclear family. Maybe you spend money only on the most desired or important couple things and you also make some things for each other or give each other some experiences. Maybe you travel some but also make sure to have concentrated time at home doing nothing.
Sometimes simple things are actually really complicated. This time can be really complicated. Whatever you choose, our goal is to feel like we are in it together and connected.
